May 1, 2012

Thumbs Up Or Down? Sifting Film Ratings

Assemble?!

I can be as (over)protective as just about anyone, but when it comes to deciding which movies my kids can watch, I worry far less about a rating itself than the REASONS for that rating.  PG-13 can mean many things, and the rating has been given to films that I would gladly allow my 9 year old to watch and to other films that I would not want my 13 year old to see.  Likewise, there are a few R films that I have allowed my 16 year old to watch, while there are many others that will have to wait.

Rude language and sex are the touchy issues that give a movie ‘thumbs down’ quickly in my house…at least until the kids are in bed.  If cursing or nudity are the main reasons for a PG-13 rating, that movie is off the list for my elementary and middle school kids.  For example, Austin Powers?  Not for the kids, Baby.  The same goes for Rated R:  As a former-English-teacher-dad of a book-loving high school student, I would like to share Shakespeare In Love with my daughter…but for all its strengths, the movie crosses a few too many lines along the way–for now.

In fact, from my point of view, the entertainment industry lets down families when they salt movies and programs with coarse material that adds little but makes responsible parents think twice about their kids watching.  For example, the Transformers films feature the Witwicky parents making repeated sexual remarks that do nothing to help the Autobots take down the Decepticons.  On the TV front, my son heard the Rock was going to return to wrestling a few weeks ago; he knew the Rock from several family films.  But along the way we discovered that wrestling on TV now includes obscene   between-match dialogue that would have drawn a lecture from the Hulkster in the ’80s when he encouraged the Hulkamaniacs to be good and take their vitamins.  So we will have to pass.

But what about violence?  There has been a lot of talk in the media about film violence desensitizing kids, maybe even leading them to be more violent themselves.  But for me, there is a vast difference between realistic violence and what I consider ‘cartoon’ violence.  To be clear:  I don’t want my kids on brain detail with Jules in Pulp Fiction.  And the first rule of Fight Club?  Don’t let my kids watch Fight Club. 

On the other hand, by ‘cartoon’ violence, I don’t necessarily mean ‘animated’….although Wile E. Coyote and an A.C.M.E. catapult would also fit. I’m talking about violence that moves the story along but that even my elementary age son can understand as pretend fun.  Blowing up an enemy starship?  Fine.  Release the Kracken!?  Bring it.  Pirates that turn into skeletons at night?  En garde.

So this spring we will be heading out to see the new Avengers film, with confidence that it’s a healthy, good time–the modern equivalent to Ultraman and Star Wars from my own childhood.

 

Note:  Dad Knows Better has enjoyed all of the films/shows/etc. mentioned above, but the point here is about when they would be age-appropriate, and Dad happens to be an adult.  Also, Dad has not received any compensation related to mentioning any of the titles in this (or any other) post…unfortunately.

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April 10, 2012

The Strangest Easter…and an Important Lesson

For my family, like many others, Easter brings family traditions, reflection, and appreciation.  In broad strokes:

  • Dyeing eggs (even in the pre-kid, early marriage years)
  • Eating at home or out for brunch, plenty to eat
  • Candy
  • Church
  • Reflection
  • Appreciation

But a couple of years ago our family had an experience that became an unforgettable part of our Easter history.  Driving home from my parents’ house at around 10pm, on a lightly used (maybe 1 car every 2-3 minutes) road, we spotted a woman lying in the grass, waving frantically and screaming for help.

We backed up, taking a cautious approach; for a moment we wondered whether the surreal scene was part of the type of set-up that turns up on the news from time to time, with others waiting in the bushes for an opportunity to rob ‘good Samaritans.’  We called 911, told the kids to stay put in the van, and got out to try to calm the woman down and figure out what type of help she needed.  She insisted she could not move, but hysterical–and vaguely coherent–she told us how she had gotten there and we conveyed the details to the police dispatcher:  a drunk boyfriend had been driving, had gotten angry with her (not for the first time), and had thrown her out of the car.

Once the police and paramedics arrived, my wife and I answered a few questions and we were quickly back on our way home.  I have no idea what happened next for the victim lying in the grass.  Did she press charges against her boyfriend?  If so, did she see that process through?  Or did she go back to him, accepting assurances that he was sorry, would never do anything like that again, would make it up to her, etc., etc., etc.

Our early elementary aged son had a few questions about the woman in the grass, but he was more interested in the police cars and fire trucks.  But his middle and high school sisters were interested in talking about how she had gotten there and what would happen next.  This became a conversation about domestic abuse, and the idea that they needed to make sure NO ONE would ever get a second chance to hit either of them within a relationship.  We talked about how victims–often, but not always, women–often put up with abuse because they are more afraid of losing the relationship than of getting hurt.  We talked about how staying safe must ALWAYS be a non-negotiable expectation when they started dating.  We talked about how the woman we had helped might press charges, get a restraining order, and move on to a safer life.

Making the same drive home this past Sunday night, I glanced over and saw there was no one in lying in the grass; I wondered whether the woman who had been there on another Easter had taken care of herself in the two years since.  But I also felt confident that my own girls had learned something critical about taking care of themselves for years to come.

 

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March 28, 2012

An Empty Day on the Calendar

Last weekend something rare happened. 

5 columns on the family calendar–one for each member of the family:  All blank.  No volleyball tournament.  No swim meet.  No lacrosse/soccer/fill-in-the-blank practice.  No tutoring.  No lessons.  No meetings.  No dinner obligation with extended family for a birthday or holiday.   

All of our usual events have important places in the life we lead.  Getting up at 6:00am or earlier on a weekend morning for an all-day sports event can be painful, but the kids–and, once we get there, the parents–enjoy them.  Practice schedules complicate life, but the kids are healthier in countless ways because of the activities they have chosen.  Tutoring?  Family?  Obviously they are priorities.  So, like most families we know, we are used to being fairly busy 7 days a week.

S.O.S.

But life needs a few sleeping in days now and then.  Toys and games deserve some attention outside of school vacation weeks.   The basketball hoop in the driveway wants a few shots once in a while.  And our family calendar needs a little more blank space.

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March 11, 2012

In The Tank For Fish

Neon Tetra

Our family pet is actually a collection of tropical fish.  We have a 36 gallon, bow-front tank of ‘community’ fish in the foyer, the first thing you see when you walk through the front door.  Here’s my case for tropical fish:

1.  Fish keep the house clean.  There is no fur, dander, etc. to clean up.  Don’t get me wrong–I like dogs….other people’s dogs.  I hate cats, but if you’re a cat lover, cut me some slack:  I’m allergic to them.  My eyes are itching just writing this paragraph.  So with fish, I don’t have to worry about whether or not I can breathe and I don’t have to own an industrial strength vacuum cleaner.

2.  Fish are colorful and peaceful.  There’s a good reason why some people use a screensaver that looks like a fish tank.  In fact, when my son was a baby I used to park him in his Exersaucer in front of the fish tank for a few minutes:  a guaranteed dose of calm.  To be fair, the freshwater fish we keep are not usually as colorful as saltwater fish, but freshwater tanks are much easier to manage.  Either way, a tank is always an attention-grabber.  Everyone who visits our home stops to watch the fish.  In fact, many of our trick-or-treaters are more interested in the fish tank than in the candy bowl every year.

3.  Fish don’t mind if we go away.  We can drop a vacation feeder in the tank, hop in the car, and off we go.  I might even let the algae build up a little on the glass before a longer trip to give the fish a salad bar option.  (Clear glass on the tank is more for people outside than for fish inside.  To them, a little algae is a snack.)  Beyond the feeding issue, the fish do not miss us if we are gone, they do not need to go out for a walk, and no one needs to check on them.

4.  Fish are easily supported through the circle of life. 

Endings:  As we all learned in Finding Nemo, all drains lead to the ocean–or, in our case, the septic tank.  We usually do not name the fish, which makes it a little easier to let them go when their time comes.  And when Fish 1.0 takes his final swim, Fish 2.0 usually costs $1.00-$3.00 at the local pet store.   But once you have an established tank with healthy water, tropical fish are hardy–We have some in our tank right now that are almost 3 years old.  Recommendation:  Species that have done the best with us include neon tetras, platies, guppies, and danios.

Beginnings:  On the other hand, some species are more than happy to restock the tank for you.  Guppies and platies have often surprised us with a new generation.  But caution:  ‘Big fish eat little fish’ isn’t just a metaphor, so as soon as we spot the babies we put them in a floating ‘playpen’ to keep them safe until they are big enough to mix with the other fish in the tank.  The few dollars our ‘breeding box’ cost at the pet store were money well spent.

Healthcare:  No vets (or vet bills).  Once in a while I might have to add StressCoat or another liquid to the water if a fish is looking sick, but that’s it.  They usually get better, but when they don’t, there’s not much (anything?) more a vet could do.

 5.  Fish stay where they are supposed to.  I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me they had searched their neighborhood for a pet that ran away, got lost, or was stolen.  My fish?  Always in the tank.  And if any of them ever decide to escape the tank, see #4 above–Endings.

6.  Fish are low maintenance.  Aside from feeding them every day or so, all the fish need is for me to clean the tank once in a while with a brush to wipe the glass and a siphon hose vacuum–and to replace the water vacuumed out (never more than 1/5 of the tank’s volume).  It just takes 20 minutes or so every few weeks, and their home looks great.  Add an otocinclus to the community and (s)he’ll help keep the glass clean by sticking to the sides of the tank feeding on anything that grows there.

7.  A new fish is an easy, inexpensive treat.  Stopping by the pet store to let someone pick out a new fish (or two, or three) to add to the tank is fun–and cheap.

8.  Fish are educational.  Passing up the obvious ‘they live in schools’ joke, I would add that the kids learn about biology and responsibility by taking care of the fish.

Yes, our kids sometimes talk about the furry pets that are just not going to move into our home.  But they enjoy the fish that do live here.  Proof?  We also have a 5 gallon tank that used to live in my office, but I brought it home when I was changing jobs 2 years ago…and it has been on my son’s dresser ever since.  I’m not counting on getting it back any time soon.

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February 26, 2012

Kids Online–Staying Safe

At least once a month I seem to run across a conversation or an online posting asking when it is time to allow kids to have access to email.  We can be as overprotective as the best of them,  but on this front we’ve taken the approach that early online access is as much an opportunity as a risk.

Education:  The most important idea I want my kids to learn about any electronic communication is that once you text, tweet, or hit send, whatever you posted is out there forever.  You can’t delete from a server.  Someone might have hit print.  The message may be stored on someone’s phone.  Electrons are forever.  That means there is no room for regrets if you forget the golden rule.

Insurance:  There is one condition for having email access–and, later, Facebook, Twitter, etc.  I always have the current password, and the first time I try to log onto an account and the password has been changed, account closed.  In the 7 years that at least one of our kids has had an email account, they have always followed that rule.

So far, so good.

 

 

 

 

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February 1, 2012

Found: The Ideal Sport for Kids

We’ve done most of the usual sports over the years, some for just 1 or 2 seasons and some that have clearly become life-long activities:  t-ball, soccer, basketball, lacrosse, volleyball, gymnastics, football, karate…even a few tennis and golf lessons last summer.

But in our experience, swimming is the sport that consistently seems to treat kids the best.  Here are 7 reasons:

1.  PLAYING TIME–In swimming, everyone participates.  No one is stuck on the sidelines.

1A.  A DIFFERENT DEFINITION OF WINNING–We are all about the ‘personal best.’  Our summer coaches even award a ribbon every time a swimmer breaks his own best time in an event.  So we never worry about whether our son or daughter comes in first or last in an event.  Instead, success = taking time off.  With this approach, a last-place finish that sets a personal best is a much bigger accomplishment than a first place finish that is slower than the seed time.  The opponents that matter most are the clock and your own best time.

3.  FITNESS–3 examples:

  • My 8 year old’s abs put a G.I. Joe doll….er….action figure…to shame.  His secret?  2 hours of practice per week during the school year, 5 hours of practice per week during the summer season–plus swim meets.
  • After 8 years of summer swimming, his 16 year old sister has at least 10 more pounds of muscle than she would have.  Always very thin, instead of resembling one of those skeletons that hang in a science classroom she is now strong enough to play high school varsity and travel club volleyball.
  • Their 13 year old sister swims 100 and 200 meter events.  Then she grabs a drink and a quick snack before competing in her next event as soon as 30 minutes later.

4.  THE POOL–AGGRESSION FREE ZONE–In most sports, kids learn–and sometimes are coached–to use aggression to offset someone else’s superior skill.  In swimming, the lane lines give each swimmer her own space, and the only thing that matters is speed.  Swimming doesn’t necessarily favor the big…and there is no opportunity to be rough:  Swimming rewards the fast.

5.  BALANCING TEAM AND THE INDIVIDUAL–Swim meets are team competitions, and kids and their parents cheer their fellow Dolphins, Dragons, Sharks, or Seahorses.  At the same time each swimmer can earn a personal best or a place ribbon, usually in 3-4 different events. in one day  But there is no conflict between team and individual goals:  Swimming is the rare team sport in which an individual pushing solely for his own success cannot hurt the team’s performance.

6.  SAFETY–Because there is no physical contact between players or with any hard surfaces or equipment, injuries–beyond the occasional strained muscle–are rare.  In swimming I enjoy watching my kids train and compete without any worry about sprains, broken bones, or concussions.

7.  A SPORT FOR ALL SEASONS–The summer (June-July) outdoor season and the winter (September-May) indoor season combine to give kids the opportunity to train and compete for up to 11 months out of the year.

If we could just get them to start the swim meets a little later in the day…

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January 19, 2012

I Get By With A Little Help From……Complete Strangers

Last Friday night I headed out with 2 of our trio on a trip to Richmond, normally a few hours’ drive from our home.  Our high school-aged daughter had a 3 day sports competition as part of a travel team, and I planned to split the weekend between cheering her on and spending some one-on-one time with her elementary-aged brother.  Seemed like a great plan.

But about 2/3 of the way there, my trusty–but not new–SUV lost power.  What does THAT mean?  Radio–stopped playing…which was extra painful because we were listening to an ’80s show that we expected to air our phone-in request in a few minutes.  Headlights–dimmed in a hurry.  Dash instruments–dropped to zero, despite the fact that we were still going.  I moved to the right shoulder, and before the next exit the engine gave out, too.

Dark (without any lights).  Cold.  Heavy, long-weekend traffic on I-95.  2 kids, plus luggage, on board.  And for the first time in almost 30 years of driving, I was stuck alongside the road with a problem that couldn’t be solved with a spare tire and a jack.  With the emergency lights barely flashing, I got out and stood behind the truck, counting on the reflective parts of my ski jacket to replace the flares I was not sure I could get to without unpacking all of the bags.  [I know:  Maybe not the smartest move, but at the time my first thought was to keep us from getting hit by someone who couldn't even see us.]

But then everything took a turn for the better because one person after another went out of their way to help:

I tried to flag down a passing police officer, but he did not see me in time across 4 lanes of heavy traffic.  So I called 911 and the operator notified the county police that we were stranded without lights.  Less than 5 minutes later the same officer was back, parked behind us with his lights flashing to keep us safe from highway traffic and offering to put the kids in his car to keep them warm.

The officer called a state highway truck.  The state highway driver checked out my SUV, reaching the same conclusion the officer and I had:  The alternator was dead.

The officer called for a tow truck, and he knew the driver who showed up to get us off the interstate.  They talked through our best options, fielding all of my questions.

The tow truck driver recommended a garage.  He assured me that it was a family-run business that would be open first thing Saturday morning and that he had even known the owners to stay open late on the weekend to help stranded travelers get back on the highway.  He also recommended an inexpensive, but national-chain, hotel directly across the street from the garage.  He took us to the hotel and then took our truck to the garage.

Meanwhile, my daughter was working her smartphone to find a ride to the tournament.  She found out that another family with a daughter on another team in the same club had left later than we had.  My daughter called to ask for help, and they happily detoured from the highway to pick her up and take her on to the team hotel in Richmond so she would be with her team for the full weekend–The players room together, so once she got to the hotel she was going to be safe with friends and chaperones.

I called the Richmond hotel to let them know that I would not be checking in as expected.  It was 11:00pm, 5 hours after the deadline to cancel a reservation, so all I wanted was to confirm the room for the rest of the weekend.  I explained that we were stranded until we could get the truck fixed and the lady on the phone put me on hold.  When she came back, I was stunned to hear that she was changing our reservation from 3 nights to 2 and was waiving the cost for Friday night.

The next morning, my son and I were at the garage when it opened.  They already knew our story because the tow truck driver had called one of them AT HOME.  In less than 30 minutes they had confirmed the alternator diagnosis and quoted me a repair price.  When I asked how long it would be before we could get back on our way to my daughter’s tournament:  “45 minutes.”  Incredible.  By the time I took my son back across the street to the hotel for the mini-buffet breakfast and we got packed, the truck was ready.  We drove on and were able to catch most of his sister’s last match of the day.

In a time when many people coast through their jobs and treat customers as an inconvenience, every one of these people went above and beyond to turn a crisis into a problem solved.  Much appreciation.

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January 3, 2012

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

After a no-time-for-lunch first day back at work after a week off for the holidays, this evening was a welcome chance to relax–mostly.   Outside it’s the coldest it has been all winter; it’s windy and below freezing.  So it was nice not to have any activities to take any of us back out once I picked up our oldest from driver’s ed on the way home from work and Mom got home from a doctor’s appointment with our other two kids.

After dinner & homework, our 8 year old wanted to play chess.  So we built a fire, and then he and I set up his board on the family room floor and played for a while.

We all love the sports and other activities that usually fill our family calendar.  The kids are stronger people on many fronts because of those experiences.  But an easy night once in a while is healthy, and if it happens to fall when it’s bitterly cold outside, so much the better.

Tomorrow, volleyball and swim practices pick up after their holiday break, and driver’s ed meets again.  But for tonight, throw another log on the fire.

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December 29, 2011

Holiday Break Success

With several more days to go, this week has played out pretty close to my idea of a ’how to’ for a successful winter break.  So far:

  • No 5-something a.m. alarms for any reason.
  • I have already hit that point where I have to stop to think to figure out what day it is–my personal litmus test for time off from work.
  • We have spent time w/ both sets of grandparents.
  • Family time:  Each of the kids received at least one Christmas present that lends itself to spending time with the others.  (video games, a foosball table, etc.)
  • ‘Me’ time:  Everyone has had some time for their own individual interests.
    • The Trio:  Lego sets, sleepover at a friend’s house, driver’s education classes, a baking class with a friend, reading…even a little homework
    • Mom:  an evening out with work friends, setting up a digital photo frame
    • Dad:  lunch with a friend of almost 30 years who lives 3 time zones away on his last day in town, writing this
  • Some long-lingering items on the household to-do list are now to-done.
  • Both of our high-commitment sports (high schooler’s club volleyball and the elementary middle schoolers’ year-round swimming) are off all week for the last time until Memorial Day.
  • Family movie night…finger foods for dinner & a DVD.

For us, this type of week is a healthy balance of powering down after a busy fall and taking time for things that don’t always fit during the school year.  Good times.

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December 16, 2011

I believe…

If blogging is about information and opinions–not necessarily in that order–a declaration of what the author thinks about a few things would seem like a good way to start.  So by way of introduction, and in the tradition of the immortal Crash Davis (Bull Durham, 1988): 

I believe best effort is how to judge success or failure.  Rules are to be followed, enforced, or changed–but not ignored.   Competing.  Proofreading.  Laughing until your back hurts.  Pro sports in America should have a relegation system like British soccer.  Commitments to teams for life, win, lose, or lose more.  The iPod, the zero turn radius mower, and the burrito restaurant have made the world a better place.

When expectations are clear, kids almost always try to meet them.  Fireplaces.  Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Updike.  Crichton.  Mr. Rogers.  Classic Looney Tunes.  Mr. Tony (Kornheiser).  Traveling.  I believe college is about a lot more than job training.  Mom & Dad watching a movie after the kids are in bed.  I believe pizza should always be reheated in an oven–never a microwave.

I believe thinking everyone who disagrees with you is a bad person or an idiot doesn’t make you enlightened; it makes you closed-minded.  People who think they have all the answers for their own lives are fine; people who think they have all the answers for everyone else’s lives are dangerous.  I believe there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing the words ”good luck” to a child before a test or a sports event.  It’s worth it to stop and stare up at the stars once in a while.  And I believe selfishness is the worst trait a person can have; loyalty and confidence are two of the best.

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