Category Archives: Activities & Sports

Dealing With (A) Loss

My daughter’s high school volleyball career ended in the state semifinals last week.  And dealing with that has been another in a string of dad-challenges as her senior year unfolds and her college days approach.

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Playing at Penn State, age 12

When she was only 5 or 6 years old and I was a high school varsity volleyball coach, I started teaching my little girl to pass a ball.  In 3rd grade she played on her first recreation league team, and in 4th grade I became her coach, first in the rec league, and then on club teams.  Even after I stepped into the background to cheer as she played for other coaches, I remained my daughter’s personal advisor, unwavering fan, and honest critic.  We spent hundreds of hours together reflecting during rides home from practices and matches, and in recent years she actively sought me out during down-time at tournaments for advice when she felt she was struggling.

Last spring my favorite player hung up her club uniform, in part because she wanted to end her competitive career representing her high school as the team’s libero through her senior season this fall.  And that season turned out to be the ride of a lifetime:  They finished 19-3.  Regional champions.  State semifinalists.  Just 3 points short of a trip to the state championship game…and that was the end.

We are both making peace with the playoff loss–a match, honestly, that her team probably should have won…but that’s just sports.  The most difficult loss is not that match; it’s accepting that a connection we shared for 9 years will never be quite the same.  9 years of tryouts.  And practices. And matches.  And tournaments.

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Protecting the floor as a senior. Photo by Nate Pesce, October 24, 2013. Used with permission.

Wins.  And Losses.  Good times.  And struggles.  All now part of our history.

I realize the end of the volleyball season is only one milestone in a senior year that is slowly preparing our entire family for this time next year, when my daughter will be living on a college campus.  And whether it comes down to a graduating senior’s final game, final competition, or final performance, I doubt we are the only family working through this type of change.  So, to borrow from The Player in Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, I suggest that we–the parents of high school seniors and our seniors themselves–need to “look on every exit being an entrance somewhere else.”  ‘Somewhere else’ is going to be great–but so was the scene we just left, and getting used to moving forward is going to take a little time.

 

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Filed under Activities & Sports, Transitions

Savoring Time

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Serving at 17

Over the Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Birthday weekend, I took my 17 year old daughter to Richmond, Virginia for her first major tournament of this year’s club volleyball season.  Thousands of girls from elementary school 12 & unders through college-bound 18 year olds compete every year over 3-day holiday weekends from January through May.  This is nothing new for our family:  some combination of us has accompanied at least one of our daughters to these travel tournaments for the past 7 years.  (Our now 14 year old played club volleyball for 3 years before deciding to focus on swimming.)

But this year is different.

Most girls do not come back to play for their club teams as 18 & unders during their senior year of high school.  Clubs that routinely run 3-6 teams of 15, 16, and 17 year olds often run only 1 or 2 teams of 18s because many girls who are not planning to play for their colleges close out their club careers in 11th grade.  Why?  The biggest reason is that the club season is difficult to balance with senior year commitments and events, and the tournament schedule runs right up to, or even beyond, graduation.

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Flying at 15

My own daughter loves volleyball above any other sport or activity she has ever tried.   But she has also thrived in 3 years of high school drama courses, and she has never been able to go out for one of her school’s shows.  After her high school volleyball season ends next November, she plans to focus on drama (along, of course, with school, college applications & decisions, and being a senior) for the rest of the year without the commitment of 3 volleyball practices per week, local single-day tournaments every 2-3 weeks, and 4-6 multi-day tournaments requiring overnight travel.  So she is 95% sure this is her final year of club and right now she is comfortable with the feeling that it is time to walk away.

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Looking young at 14–3 quick years ago.

As I watched her matches in Richmond, I thought about how much her volleyball career has meant to my daughter…and to me.  As a former high school volleyball coach, I was fortunate to be able to coach her teams for her first few years of club.  And now, long after I sent my favorite player on to play for other coaches, I still regularly remind her that I will always be her biggest fan…and critic.  But these days I (usually) wait for her to ask for my feedback or instruction.  We both understand that they aren’t our matches anymore–they are hers.

So I savored this year’s January tournament, and I thought about how we are headed into a season of likely ‘lasts.’  Good times, challenges, and even disappointments have added up to a great ride for both of us since she was 10.  It’s true that I am very much aware that there are far fewer of these days ahead than behind.  But even though it is almost time to turn the page, we’re not quite there yet.

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Filed under Activities & Sports, Appreciation

High School Dances–It’s not 1984 Anymore

With apologies to the immortal Wang Chung, a few things have changed since those Dance Hall Days.  Not that I’m naive enough to confuse the 1980s with the days of Jane Austen, but the world of teens has changed–both for better and for worse.

Let’s Dance.  In my high school daughters’ world, homecoming dances are no longer primarily “date” activities.  Even upperclassmen often go to the annual dance with a group of friends.  These groups, usually including more girls than boys, gather beforehand for a pot-luck dinner at someone’s house (skipping the expense of the traditional dinner out) and for pictures as a herd instead of for portraits as pairs, and it seems the kids who are heading to the dance with dates are almost the exception rather than the rule.

Maybe that is a healthy change.  Once upon a time, a couple breaking up probably meant at least one of the two stayed home from the dance.  But my daughters and most of their friends are rejecting the two-by-two conditioning that used to be the norm in schools, opting instead for more independence–and, more importantly, for more efficacy.  No need to put on their red shoes and dance the blues.  They are already learning that their options in life are not dependent upon whether they have (or even want to have) a date, boyfriend, husband, etc.  I also choose to believe that girls arriving and leaving as a group are likely to look out for one another.  Anything that helps kids stay safe is an upgrade.  Feel free to insert your own Safety Dance joke here–no hats required.

As I do from time to time, I questioned my 16 year old daughter’s choice in shoes:  5 inch heels.  I reminded her that manufacturers would make more comfortable shoes for women if women refused to buy into the style of high-heels and pointed toes and insisted on comfortable designs.  She agreed, but style outweighs comfort in her world.  She also explained that as soon as they arrive at the dance the girls check their shoes anyway.  They may be voluntary victims of style, but these girls understand that dancing in heels is crazy.  When it’s time to get Footloose, they get shoe-loose.

Dress code is another issue.  After her first two months as a Catholic school student, my younger daughter came in from her freshman homecoming with word that the nuns had “shawled” girls whose dresses were too revealing.  An overly self-revealing young lady would have two choices:  add coverage with the shawl, or exit the event.  As a dad and as an educator I thought this was a terrific idea.  Being Pretty in Pink is a fine goal, but–regardless of whether the student or her parents share the school’s standards of decency–a dance is a school event and should not be confused with a club or bar.  Dresses that are loose enough and that cover enough are a reasonable expectation in order for a young lady to have the privilege of attending the dance; and similar criteria must apply to young men.  Dress codes are about R-E-S-P-E-C-T:  for self, for others, and for setting.  My older daughter’s public high school has a somewhat looser dress code, but she knows she still needs to meet her parents’ higher expectations.  We give her free reign to buy whatever dress she wants–usually online–but with the caveat that we hold the final say on whether she gets to leave the house wearing it once we see her in it; so far she has shown consistently good judgment, if anything leaning slightly more conservatively than we would have accepted.  I want all of my kids to have clean, safe fun, as well as to understand that how someone dresses often affects how others treat him or her.

Dirty Dancing.  Peer groups, shoes, and clothing are not nearly so contraversial, however, as the actual conduct at a dance.  Much has been written over the last few years about the physical types of dancing teens are engaging in at school events.  A quick search of Youtube or Google will reveal troubling videos of girls–someone’s daughters-bent forward, and boys–even a series of boys taking turns–grinding against them from behind.  Many schools have instituted explicit “face to face and leave some space” policies to deter this.

Regardless of school policy, my guiding wisdom (or fascist directive, depending upon your point of view) for my kids remains the same as always:  Don’t You Forget About Me.  Assume I’m walking in.  If you’re comfortable with me seeing what you and your friends are doing at the moment if I happen to walk in–and I just might–then all is well.  Now, if only more parents would take a similar stance….As Corey Hart once told my generation, we can Never Surrender.

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Filed under Activities & Sports, Safety, School